Protecting children during divorce
Protecting children during divorce. Divorce counselling. Divorce is an anxious and worrying time. If you are reading this and you are in the middle of a divorce then the list of concerns you may have is probably long, painful and, if you have children, will most likely include the following:
1, Decisions about where you will live
2, Wondering how your finances will look when you have separated
3, How best to help your children to manage during the break up of their family
4, Worrying about how you will ever recover from the breakup with your spouse
5, You might possibly quite naturally want to find a relationship that you will be truly comfortable within.
Worrying about when you will truly know when you are ready to start to look for another partner is a natural concern. A concern made even harder by the pain you may be feeling from the separation process that might be causing you you to seek comfort in new relationships before you are ready.
Depending on the circumstances of your divorce you might feel regret, resentment and animosity towards our spouse. It is so important to try and keep these feelings away from your children. No matter how old they may be, the separation of their parents will impact on your children as they worry about your happiness and try and recontextualise the views they have on the relationship between their mum and dad. They will be concerned about who is right and who is wrong and, in their anger, worry and confusion, they will quite naturally want join sides with the partner who they see is most hard done by.
This protective function in their behaviour and out look is less about them being discerning, just and wise and more about them feeling anxious and worried about the caregiver who they believe has been injured and is at risk of being most unhappy.
In the main it does not matter how old we are, we still hurt for, and we still worry about, our parents, it is hardwired into us. Our parents are our first attachment figures and if these attachments go well and is secure(ish!) we will defend these attachments to the last.
There is a considerable amount of respected information and research, that shows clearly that divorce causes long-term effects on children’s emotional well-being.
There is equally a huge amount of respected research that shows that when children are dragged into their parent’s unhappiness with each other their emotional well-being and physical well-being deteriorate to such a level that they start to fail in school, experience psychosomatic illnesses, find themselves in unsafe relationships and have a very real possibility of contracting heart disease, alcoholism, liver disease, asthma and eczema to name but a few of the life compromising conditions young people are exposed to when one parent seeks to form an alliance with them against the other parent.
The World Health Organisation writes about this, their website gives some more information on this subject.
If you are reading this blog and finding that it is hard to keep your animosity about your spouse away from your children or you are wondering how you might tell you children that you are separating, then why not get in contact with me to discuss courses of action that would be right for you.