Ending an abusive relationship
I have written this blog to help you if you are feeling stuck, alone and fearful of ending an abusive relationship. I hope to help you understand how you came to be in this relationship and I would like to give you hope that things can change.
-Wear us down and demoralise us.
-Make us forget we have choices
-Force us to feel we are responsible for the abuse that comes our way both physically and emotionally.
-Confuse us into feeling needy of the person who is abusing us so that we think we are helpless to do anything but suffer.
-Twist our self-esteem into truly believing that our abuser is better than us.
I ask you now to take a moment and be patient with yourself while you take a step back from your life for the time it takes to read this blog and think about what it means for you.
Let us take a moment to look at the path that led you to the place you are in now. The list below is not exhaustive and is intended only to be a guide rather than a precise predictor of how you came by your suffering. And yes, I am taking us back to the past and I am asking you to reflect on your early years. I know that there are reactionary voices in our society that are intolerant of reflections on early life experiences, seeing such discussions futile and only relevant for those seeking excuses for their behaviour. I find this kind of narrative steeped in anger and denial. It is dangerous and cruel and can contribute to further abuse taking place as it fits with an abuser’s language of, “what are you complaining about, get on with it!”
1, It could be that that you suffered when you were young. Maybe you were hurt when other, older, people in your life felt angry or sad and your body became property of someone else who used your body to make themselves feel better in whatever way suited them.
2, Maybe you were ignored or even abandoned and left to look after yourself by parents who were absent in some way. Either they were too busy in their own affairs or they did not have the skills that one needs to be a parent. In any event, they were probably unable to help you feel protective over yourself and they were not able to help you learn to be discerning in the relationships you fostered in your young adult life.
3, Maybe you conform to a social narrative that has you believing that you have to behave in ways that make you available to the opposite sex. Take a look at how sexual stereo types are portrayed in the media currently.
- Rap videos where a strong dominant male does as he pleases with obliging females who appear enslaved to his emotionally barren persona.
- Maybe you have read 50 Shades of Grey where, once again, a dominant, a slightly remote and dangerous male takes over the life of an obliging and enthralled female who performs and complies with gratitude and disinhibition.
- Maybe you are a teenager, a boy or a girl, who is reading the Twilight Sage and is absorbing information about an apparently “average” girl who is “lucky enough” to have a relationship with a vampire from whom she wants the “gift” of eternal life because she does not wish to get old and so risk him being interested in another.
Is it any wonder that some young women think that the true nature of womanhood is to be sexually available and engaging and to use their bodies as an object to help them become acceptable, safe and secure in society?
If you identify with anything I have written then the likelihood is that at some point in your life you, and probably your body, has been objectified and your humanity and you individuality and your right to protection and safety has been denied in favour of another’s desires and wishes.
In ending an abusive relationship one must first try to get in touch, may be for the first time with the precious person you most certainly are.
Try to be patient with yourself as you look for ways to make yourself safer and happier. Remember, if you feel angry with yourself you more than likely using the script your abuser uses to trap you. You can put their script down anytime and learn a new story about yourself, a story that you write and in which you take the starring role.
Find a future free from danger for yourself. It is possible, you can do it!