Attachment parenting in Bournemouth and Poole

How do I know if I am working with a young person who has an attachment disorder? Further to my last post about the young man I regularly meet with who has a reputation for being a ladies man. As we speak together he tells me of his exploits with older girls and he speaks about acquiring a life for himself full of girls and money.Without a doubt, he appears confident and happy, unless of course you are one of the females he “makes his moves on”. Let us look at this matter from an Attachment parenting style.

Together we talked about what he finds attractive in females.

He outlined the usual list of physical stereotypes that one might find on most advertisements, an MTV video or in women’s style magazines. Breasts, bottoms, legs, eyes, hair…you get the picture. I let him talk himself out.

“How does she need to be?” I asked.

“Not like some side chick.” He replied, “I need her to solid, with me, not looking at other guys.”

We talked about how his dad is in jail for another 3 years and how his mum is currently far away on a long haul holiday.

“I can understand why you need someone.” I said, “Must be pretty lonely when you get home at the end of the day.”

“It’s always been like that, I’m used to it, I don’t get home ‘til late.” He said, “So it doesn’t matter.”

The narrative I receive from (among other socio-political voices) Feminists is based on the first part of this young man’s dialogue. They speak about the objectification of women, the lack of humanity shown to women by the conceptualisation of women by men but their argument goes no further.

Attachment models and styles clinically researched and observed over decades, by Sigmund Freud, Sir John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Patricia Crittenden et al has clearly  outlined that this young man has a comfort disorder. He has lacked any kind of consistent, long term, experience of safe intimacy, particularly when he was young. This is probably because his own primary care givers lacked this experience as well.  Now his adolescent sexual desire has become entwined in the need he has for safety and security and this leads him to express himself in the way I see today.

Our society is brim full of this kind of disorder.

None of this is new to us.

We are not strangers to this type of understanding of this young man’s behaviour, yet it remains on the periphery of our social debate.

What is the effect on our society that we do not share and embrace this kind of knowledge and understanding?

We stay socially adversarial.

We continue to see the world broken down into victims and abusers.

We stay divided.

A six week CBT course for this young man?  Probably not!

Creating a long term relationship with this young man that will enable him to look at himself clearly, (while I stay aware that if I do not find a creative way to help him manage his self-blame in the early days of our relationship I will enhance his need for safety and comfort) is my privilege and makes me realise once again I have the best job in The World!

I met with a young man the other day whom I know well.

He has a reputation for being a ladies man. He tells me of his exploits with older girls and he speaks about acquiring a life for himself full of girls and money.

Without a doubt, he appears confident and happy, unless of course you are one of the females he “makes his moves on”.

Together we talked about what he finds attractive in females.

He outlined the usual list of physical stereotypes that one might find on most advertisements, an MTV video or in women’s style magazines. Breasts, bottoms, legs, eyes, hair…you get the picture. I let him talk himself out.

“How does she need to be?” I asked.

“Not like some side chick.” He replied, “I need her to solid, with me, not looking at other guys.”

We talked about how his dad is in jail for another 3 years and how his mum is currently far away on a long haul holiday.

“I can understand why you need someone.” I said, “Must be pretty lonely when you get home at the end of the day.”

“It’s always been like that, I’m used to it, I don’t get home ‘til late.” He said, “So it doesn’t matter.”

The narrative I receive from (among other socio-political voices) Feminists is based on the first part of this young man’s dialogue. They speak about the objectification of women, the lack of humanity shown to women by the conceptualisation of women by men but their argument goes no further.

Attachment models and styles clinically researched and observed over decades, by Sigmund Freud, Sir John Bowlby, Mary Ainsworth, Patricia Crittenden et al has clearly  outlined that this young man has a comfort disorder. He has lacked any kind of consistent, long term, experience of safe intimacy, particularly when he was young. This is probably because his own primary care givers lacked this experience as well.  Now his adolescent sexual desire has become entwined in the need he has for safety and security and this leads him to express himself in the way I see today.

Our society is brim full of this kind of disorder.

None of this is new to us.

We are not strangers to this type of understanding of this young man’s behaviour, yet it remains on the periphery of our social debate.

What is the effect on our society that we do not share and embrace this kind of knowledge and understanding?

We stay socially adversarial.

We continue to see the world broken down into victims and abusers.

We stay divided.

A six week CBT course for this young man?  Probably not!

Creating a long term relationship with this young man that will enable him to look at himself clearly, (while I stay aware that if I do not find a creative way to help him manage his self-blame in the early days of our relationship I will enhance his need for safety and comfort) is my privilege and makes me realise once again…

I have the best job in The World

If you live Bournemouth, Poole or Dorset and Self harm is part of your life in some way, why not give me a call, send me a text or email me and we can arrange to meet, I have over 20 years experience in supporting people with this kind of issue.

Together we can make a difference.

And finally….

When I work this week in Bournemouth, Poole or Dorset as a counsellor, couple counsellor, teenage and adolescent counsellor, family counsellor, family therapist…

Offering…

Family counselling and marriage guidance, marriage counselling, teenage counselling and adolescent counselling to individuals and couples with differing forms of anxiety and depression feeling anxious and depressed…

I may use CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), Attachment Theory, Mindfulness, Psychodrama, Person Centred Therapy, Humanistic Therapy, Gestalt Therapy, Psychoanalysis, Solution Focused Therapy, Integrative Therapy or Family Therapy or Attachment Theory…

I am mindful to that counselling offers us new opportunities and possibilities for all of us to develop our knowledge, commitment and understanding of ourselves and each other.