Anger management part 2
Anger management part 2. Adult or teenager, man or woman, there are essentially two forms of anger that human beings express. In this article I am going to focus on one of these forms of anger, the anger that can be used as a coercive means to ensure that the needs of the person expressing anger are met.
Children are typical users of this kind of anger, you may be familiar with expressions such as, “mummy, I hate you, why do you make my life so difficult!?“
Some politicians express this kind of anger in a seemingly controlled and measured way to effect the change they need to see.
Threats of military violence or aid removal are coercive strategies designed to frighten the focus of their attention (and this could be a country or an organisation or a person) into compliance.
Similarly, the dominant partner in a relationship can use the threat of domestic violence to ensure that their partner complies with their demands such as, “you can never leave me“ and “you will have sex with me when I want it“ and , “I will look at your phone when I need to as you are untrustworthy and you let me down.”
This kind of anger, expressed by an adult or a child, can subtly change itself into a kind of feigned helplessness that confuses the recipient into feeling compassion and responsible for the other’s outburst.
If you are in an adult relationship where this kind of anger is being expressed then you will be familiar with feeling frightened at times and feeling confused and responsible at other times and deep down underneath you will feel uneasy, anxious and confused about what is happening to you.
These feelings are difficult to manage and usually cause us to stay in dangerous relationships for much longer then is good for us.
Angry children, too, can become seemingly weak and powerless, forcing us to support them and assist them in spite of the anger they may have shown beforehand.
The difference between adults and children with regards to this kind of angry expression is that children are far more instinctual and intuitive and far less “chosen“ in their behaviour than adults are. CHildren feel it, they do it and if it works they do it again. It’s automatic, it’s beyond cognition.
There are a number of reasons for this, brain development being a key component, and it is important to realise that children who express this kind of anger can be helped by compassionate, bounded, consistent adults to change.
Adults, on the other hand, who express this kind of anger are usually motivated by fear and insecurity, once again, help is at hand but it comes in a different form to the help we would give to a child who uses this kind of anger in these ways.
If you are struggling to manage your anger in safe ways and you are interested in finding out how you can use your anger more productively, so people listen to you without feeling that they have to defend themselves when they are around you, then please contact me and we can talk about how counselling can help free you, comfortably and easily, from this way of being.
If you are a parent and you recognise this behaviour in your teenager or child or if you are on the receiving end of an angry/helpless adult then why not contact me and we can talk about new ways of managing your-self around your partner’s anger.