Anger management counselling

Anger management counselling. I provide specialist anger management for teenagers and adults. I have written this blog with the intention of providing some insight and understanding to parents, carers and spouses around the issue of managing someone they love who seems unable to control their anger and indeed seems to use their anger to dominate and to coerce us into complying with their wishes.

Anger can be hard to understand and hard to manage, particularly while juggling the demands of a busy family. Anger can get labelled as an attention seeking device used by manipulative people to hijack our attention, usually when we can least afford to give it.

In this way anger has become “Deletable” and something that is shameful and potentially dangerous to healthy relationships and healthy individuals. 

Anger management courses seem to have the explicit intention of ridding the “user” of anger of this dangerous and destructive emotion and pattern of behaviour.

If any of these views of anger resonate with you then I invite you to read the following and review the way you feel about anger and possibly incorporate this new view into your understanding of anger.

Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, we can feel, at different stages of our life, shamed, silenced and wrong. Sometimes, there is no basis for these negative feelings as the people who wish us to feel this way are attacking us, not to teach us but to hurt us. Could be parents, could be spouses, could be work colleagues and it could be our children. When certain people view us negatively and tell us that we have been bad it can sometimes take a good deal of effort to ignore those messages. 

There are of course times when we must listen and take other people’s views into consideration however we must discriminate between what is accurate and what is harmful and wrong information about us, given to us by people who have the intention of dominating us. 

Sometimes we cannot ignore these negative messages, particularly when they come with the threat of violence or isolation, and these messages get past our defences and into our psyche. It is at these times that parts of our personality shrink and wither under the attack they sustain. 

This is not a comfortable and safe world to be weak and vulnerable in. 

What do we do? We do The only sensible thing we can we shut off those hurt parts of ourselves in a safe place somewhere inside us and possibly forget they exist and we create a more dominant part that helps us through.

Consider the young person who has not seen their parent for far too long. Perhaps their parent is dead, perhaps their parent has been left in another country perhaps their parents have divorced and one parent has disappeared. I ask you to consider, how many times you have had a young person in this position announce, “I haven’t seen my father for X amount of years and I don’t care anyway!” Of course they care but what is the use of caring when the object of their need and desire seems to be cruelly out of reach? Will they carry this heartbreak around with them on a daily basis? Probably not, the consequence of this might be social isolation, because people find distress uncomfortable and unhappy people do you not do well in this busy, performance-based, society that we live in where smiles and confidence win the day. Also, if a hurt cannot be fixed one must do the best one can to forget it and get on with it, unresolved dilemmas occupy our minds, confuses and take our attention away from the rest of our life.

In this example I have just given, the part that announces that they do not care that they have not seen their father is an antidote to the pain. Sometimes an antidote can become large and aggressive and angry, particularly when the insults that they remedy are profound.

So, I ask you to consider that anger is less about coercion and more about protection. 

Asking these protective parts to step aside so a hurt can be healed is a big ask particularly if these protective parts have been, to some extent, successful in keeping the individual pain-free. Asking these protective parts to step aside so that a hurt can be healed is the work that is carried out in counselling and psychotherapy.

If you would like to find out how counselling can help you or someone you love then please get in touch with me, I would be pleased to hear from you.